Wednesday, February 23, 2011

A Life in the Digital World

              Its two am. I’ve been working on my research paper sporadically for the past four hours while simultaneously chatting on IM, watching the latest viral video on YouTube and lounging in my digital home, Facebook. The time ticks by slowly until finally I tear myself from my laptop and go to bed. Another day passes and I find myself at home once again. I’ve just walked into my apartment and already I find myself gravitating toward my laptop I left on the kitchen table the night before. In three minutes I’ve successfully opened five different tabs; Pandora, YouTube, G-Mail, Blogger, and Facebook, you know the usual. But wait, immediately after I log into Facebook my eyes look to the top left corner, yes!! Eight new comments and a friend request to top it off, without knowing it a smile slips unto my face and then I feel it, that small sense of accomplishment and acceptance, I knew it was going to be a good day after all.      
            Like so many others I had jumped on the cultural bandwagon. Soon after I discovered the Social Network I began to spend hours in my digital home, creating my image and optimizing my profile to display an aura of “coolness”. I bought into the false sense of community and acceptance that Facebook offered. To me Facebook was not just another site; it was my link to the social world. It’s what separated the cool from the weird; it was the numerous friend requests and invitations to select “groups” that fueled my desire to become a Facebook titan. It would not be until years later that I began to notice the imperfections of the digital world.
            It’s now been three years since my marriage to the Facebook community. Once again I am multi-tasking a host of social websites, music, videos etc. I log unto Facebook for what must have been the fourth time that day and then something happens, or rather, nothing happens. I look to the familiar top left corner and see the inevitable, this time there are no new comments or friend requests, group invites or tags. That’s when it happens, I suddenly feel nothing. The familiar joy of feeling “plugged in” has been slowly evaporating for some time now and I find myself scrambling to grasp handfuls of this ever receding social vapor. But why am I feeling this way? After all according to my profile I’m quite a popular guy in the digital world. I have all the right friends, pics, tags and groups. I should be happy, shouldn’t I?  Why am I feeling alone and cut off? That’s when I start to realize the truth, the truth that I’ve been trying to live in a world that simply doesn’t exist; or at least a world that only exists online. Part of that I realize, has been my fault, after all my digital self is far different than the person you would see pass you in the hallway. I was just as guilty. To quote Douglas Groothuis I had “overexposed my underdeveloped self” On the surface I was considered one of the popular guys, in reality the friends who knew the real “me” was closer to five than five-hundred.
            Today I still use Facebook, although not in the same manner as before. I would like to think that there’s a little more “me” in my profile nowadays and a little less “image”. And if ever I’m in need of a friend I go to my true community, instead of my digital one, for support. Although my road down Facebook has been filled with quite a few “potholes” and U-Turns the experience has left me the wiser for it. Its two am again….time to log off.